My husband, Robbie, and I have struggled with communication from day one of our marriage. His 32-year military career didn’t exactly encourage “sharing.” He always said, “If the Army wanted me to have feelings, they would have issued me some.” That didn’t help with personal intimacy.
As for me … well, I’m a writer. Words are my life. According to Robbie, I never take a breath long enough for him to get a word in our conversations. But I say I talk so much to fill the awkward silences.
He says there is nothing wrong with silence. I say he internalizes his feelings. He says I go on and on about how I feel, and I only need to tell him once.
As you can see … it’s complicated.
When you and your spouse have varying communication styles, it takes a lot more work to communicate effectively. Robbie and I have learned that the struggle is real, but it’s worth the payoff. We have also learned working on communication makes understanding easier. Here are some of the ways we’ve worked through our differences.
First, laugh about it. Recognize the humor. Both anger and laughter are means of coping with stress. So rather than get irritated, choose to giggle, instead. Proverbs 17:22 says, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” It dries up a good marriage, too. Turn your frustration into a joke, and oftentimes the lightheartedness will diffuse the tension.
Robbie and I have turned our miscommunications into a running joke. When one feels misunderstood, we turn to the other in our whiniest child voice and say, “You never listen to me!” That way, we still express our frustration, but it’s in a funny non-threatening way. No one gets yelled at, smirked at, indignant, or disrespected.
Second, learn about your differences. You and your spouse grew up in different homes with different parents and siblings. Then school, work, and other life experiences taught you both lessons about personal interaction. Mix that with personality types and propensity toward sin, and it’s a wonder any communication takes place with anyone!
These differences require grace. Allow your spouse to be imperfect and loved anyway. Remember, your communication styles are not a surprise to God. Your marriage is not a surprise to God. He is using your imperfect marriage to make you more like Him, and that includes showing unconditional love and grace.
You can’t change your spouse. Only God can do that. But you can learn to work with what you have. Understanding starts with education. Learn how your spouse communicates. Consider all the different forms of communication—tone of voice, choice of words, facial expressions, and body language. Find out how you and your spouse interpret these forms. That will give you a standard to measure by. If you need help, there are marriage enrichment tests online, or you can talk to your pastor or a marriage counselor.
Third, learn to listen better. The biblical writer James said, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (1:19). That doesn’t sound like most married couples I know.
As followers of Christ, it’s our responsibility to treat our spouses like a fellow believer. After all, Jesus told us to love our brothers and sisters in Christ (John 15:12). If your spouse isn’t a Christian, remember that Jesus also told us to love our neighbors and our enemies, too (Mark 12:31 and Matthew 5:44). So, be slow to speak and quick to listen at home. No free passes with your spouse.
One way to be a better listener is to take turns talking and listening. Christian counselor and pastor James Petersen explained how to do this in his book Why Don’t We Listen Better? He explains that the most important part of communication is to make sure everyone has been “heard.” But that requires the other person to listen. So good communication requires the discipline to take turns.
Petersen says it can be as easy as using a folded card that says, “talker” on one side and “listener” on the other. The appropriate word on the card faces each person. A kitchen timer regulates intervals. If couples can’t self-regulate, Petersen recommends a third person to referee. During the “talk” turn, the person may say anything without interruption. And the “listen” turn is for listening, not preparing an argument. When the timer goes off, the listener repeats what the talker said. If they both agree the talker was heard, the roles then switch. This method of taking turns allows everyone to “be heard.” It is simple, but effective.
No one said communication was easy, but simple changes make big impact. And at the same time, we become more disciplined to extend the same love and grace to our spouses that we expect to receive. (I believe Jesus covered that topic in the “do unto others” sermon … Luke 6:31). So give yourself some grace, listen and learn from your spouse, and keep your heart in the right place (in Christ), and you will have a whole new relationship.