A few years ago, there was a Facebook fad going around. It was a friend quiz called “How Well Do You Know Me?” After miserably failing the tests of several of my closest friends, I sent my own in return. To my gratification, they also failed. So all was fair in friend land.
Several of us explained how we would have passed if [insert any and all excuses]. A couple of my friends even jokingly “argued” with me, explaining how they knew me better than I knew myself and I should admit their answers were more accurate.I wondered why there were so many missed questions among us. Was it the passing of time?
Then I realized that many of these answers were little more than a guess. How could my friends know what city was I born in or my favorite pizza topping?
As I read the quizzes, I realized no matter how well you know someone, you can always learn something new about that person.
This principle also applies to many married couples. As people age, their preferences, experiences, fears, and dreams change. But we often take for granted that a spouse is the same person we first knew after decades of marriage. No matter how well you know your spouse, you can never say you have learned all there is to know. You can always learn something new.
I remember a friend once confiding in me about the relationship of her parents. “I think they’re bored with each other,” she said. “It’s as if they’ve been together so long, they don’t care to be around each other anymore.”I wondered if this couple took the Facebook quiz, how well would they do? Does this wife know her husband’s dreams? Does he know her desires or fears? What plans do they have for their future together?
Married couples often take each other for granted because they do know each other so well. But it could enrich a relationship, even one that has existed for several decades, if a couple will concentrate on understanding the growing thoughts and desires of each other’s heart.
Some of the best conversations I have with my husband are those where I simply explore his mind. I sit and listen to him talk about his dreams and goals or the visions he has for his job or hobbies. Sometimes I’ll ask about his childhood.
It’s particularly important to have these kinds of conversations during the years with young children at home. The routines of school and church activities can put your marriage on autopilot. You might find your conversations revolving around the same topics—schedules, budgets, and immediate needs. When there is too much practical conversation and not enough dreaming and discovery, marriage becomes burdensome. It’s like having a job with no vacation time. This can tempt couples to believe that there is no more friendship in their relationships.
It doesn’t take much to discover new things about your spouse. The hardest part is remembering to ask, keeping it at the forefront of your mind. What helped me was to ask questions at significant times:
- after church
- before bed
- during dinner
- date nights
It also helps to keep a few questions or topics in mind. A few things I would ask about:
- opinions
- childhood memories
- childhood dreams and/or current dreams for the future
- my spouse’s hobbies and activities
- and the question “why?”
Many people shy away from questions because they delve into the heart of a person. But the heart is where you want to explore in your spouse. Spending time exploring the memories and dreams of your spouse will give you a new appreciation of the one you married.