I bought my first smart phone about a year into my journey as a widow. For me, it was a lifesaver. I was a stay-at-home single mom of two toddlers. At the time, my son, Ben, was three years old, and my daughter, Katherine, was around a year old. I had very little time away from my kids, and my social life consisted mainly of church activities. So, my smart phone companion gave me friends to talk to at any moment, a connection to the outside world.
There was another important benefit that my new smart phone gave me—babysitting. The smart phone was like a magic pacifier, especially for my little boy who was very active and high strung. When Ben was screaming in the grocery store, all I had to do was pull out the smart phone. He sat quietly in the buggy, blissfully occupied for as long as I wanted to shop. When I needed some quiet to deal with business, the smart phone gave me hours of peace. It was useful in any situation that required calm—church, doctor’s offices, government buildings … The smart phone was a guarantee win over the battle of fits.
I heard all the rhetoric about how children were turning into zombies and the dangers of screen usage, but I reasoned that my child must be exceptional because I saw no signs of problems. All he did was play child-friendly learning apps and Sonic the Hedgehog. I was very restrictive over what he could and could not view, especially after the time he discovered YouTube and came across a mashup Barbie video screaming b****.
Other than content, though, I didn’t understand what all the hype was about. Afterall, my brother and I played games like Sonic and Mario Brothers as kids. Our brains didn’t turn into mush. What was the big deal?
Trouble Brewing
I relied on the smart phone for the entirety of my son’s preschool years. My daughter enjoyed it, too, but not to the same degree, even though by the time she was 18 months old, she could work the phone as easily as I could. But my son acted like he couldn’t live without it. It was a daily battle of when and how long he could use the smart phone. It was a good bargaining tool, though, because he would do almost anything to get the chance to play with it.
It wasn’t until my son started school that I began to see the effects of prolonged device usage in my little boy. The fits he used to throw to get phone time as a toddler turned into violent rage. Before we left the school carpool lane, it was the first question on his lips, and the begging didn’t stop all evening. If I didn’t let him have the phone as much as he wanted when he wanted, he would kick, scream, and sometimes even threaten to hit me. For so long I had excused similar behavior. I thought he was still grieving from his father’s death, or maybe it was an issue of “boys will be boys.” But I started to worry. Instead of maturing and showing signs of developing self-control, he seemed to be getting worse.
The teachers at school noticed his lack of self-control. Even though he reined in the rage at school, he was still getting pink slips almost every day for everything from not keeping his hands to himself to talking while the teacher talked. One of his teachers told me to talk to my pediatrician, insinuating that I needed to put him on meds for ADD or ADHD. But he was so young. I didn’t think it was fair to medicate him when so little else had been tried.
I put him on supplements, vitamins, and tried other diet restrictions. I started looking into therapy. In the meantime, I spanked him and lectured him, took away toys and privileges in order to get him to pay attention and behave. Nothing seemed to get his attention … except losing phone privileges. His reaction to taking the phone away was like telling him I was going to chop off one of his fingers. He begged, pleaded, cried, made a zillion promises, and when the nice stuff didn’t work, he started threatening to hurt me, his sister, or break my things. It scared me. Such violence from a child was mind boggling to me. But I pushed through and stood my ground.
Then I began to notice a pattern. On the days when I gave him phone time, he was unreasonable and out of control. But when he lost phone privileges and went 24 hours without access, he was completely different. He was calm, easier going. He paid better attention and did what he was told without lashing out. We were able to have rational conversations. He was more loving and forgiving. So, I experimented a little. I would take away the phone for three or four days and then give it back to him. Without fail, his actions and attitudes matched his phone usage. Even 10 minutes a day was enough stimulus to ruin his attitude for the entire day.
It was clear. My son had to go cold turkey. No more smart phone.
Life Without Games
Soon, I sat Ben down, looked him in the eyes, and lovingly explained that his screen games had to go away. He was crushed, of course, indignant, even. I asked him if he believed that I loved him more than anything in the world. He said yes. I asked him if he knew that I only do what is best for him. He said yes. And then I told him what I discovered. He begged, pleaded, and promised a zillion promises, as usual. But this time, I was resolved. There was no more begging, no more chances. I explained that he wasn’t being punished. I was doing this because the phone was hurting him.
It took about two weeks for my little boy to get over his addiction. Like a junkie, he had withdrawals that resulted in outbursts, tears, and anything else that would get that phone back. It wasn’t long, however, until he got into the car after school, and instead of asking for the phone, he told me about his day. The pink slips stopped coming home almost immediately. The rage and violence faded away, and my little boy was lighter, freer.
Once Ben got old enough to talk and text with friends, I gave Ben his own smart phone, but I restricted it to talking, texting, photos, and music. The rest of the apps and internet access have been removed. Since I took the gaming away, Ben has excelled in school, learned to control his impulsivity, and he’s one of the teachers’ favorite students. Sometimes I can’t believe he’s the same child, but mostly, I can’t believe I didn’t see it when he was struggling.
My Advice, for What it’s Worth
I am not a technology expert by any means. I’m not a child psychiatrist. But I can recognize a pattern when I see one. I have talked to many other moms who have confided in me that their sons and/or daughters are out of control. A couple of the kids are on all kinds of medicine that has done little to no good. Another child was asked not to come back to church functions because she’s not able to control her outbursts. One child is young like Ben was, and he’s struggling in school and the teachers are suggesting drugs. Mom feels so strongly about no drugs that she’s thinking about homeschooling, but it never crossed her mind to take the games away.
Each time I talk to a mom at the end of her wits, I ask, “Is your child obsessed with the smart phone?” Without fail, mom gives a resounding yes. As we talk about the issue, each mom begins to see the likenesses in my child and hers. Her eyes open to the possibility that her child might have a game addiction. It’s hard to believe that something seemingly so innocent, so helpful, even, could do so much damage to a child’s mind and emotions.
There is more research coming out daily about the dangers of screens for kids, particularly young children. Read this quote from Psychology Today1:
When every finger swipe brings about a response of colors and shapes and sounds, a child’s brain responds gleefully with the neurotransmitter dopamine, the key component in our reward system that is associated with feelings of pleasure. Dopamine hits in the brain can feel almost addictive, and when a child gets too used to an immediate stimuli response, he will learn to always prefer smartphone-style interaction—that is, immediate gratification and response—over real-world connection.
Here is another bit of research from The Center for Parenting Education2:
When children and teens are on technology for more than 2 hours a day, researchers have found that they may develop a stimulus addiction and have increased:
- hyperactivity,
- aggression,
- fear,
- insensitivity,
- appetite for violence.
I can certainly vouch for both of these statements.
Now I can tell when Ben has had too much screen time. Once, Ben went to a friend’s house for the first time after school one day. When I picked him up, I could tell something was wrong with him. I saw the same frustration and aggression from phone use. Turns out, he and his friend were playing racing games most of his visit.
Not all kids struggle like my son and these other kids. My daughter could play video games to her heart’s content, and she wouldn’t care to pick it up again for a month. But, in my opinion, the potential for bad outweighs the good. So, neither of my kids are allowed to play games on the smart phone or anywhere else. For what it’s worth, here’s my best advice to moms about screen usage:
- If your child is struggling, take devices away permanently. Before you try drugs or therapy, take away all devices. It never crossed my mind that the problem with my child could be screen stimuli. Give your child’s brain a chance to heal naturally. Stand your ground and take it away for your child’s own good. Wait three weeks for improvement. If you don’t see progress by that time, then consider other forms of help.
- Don’t worry about computer illiteracy. When I suggest this to parents, they often respond with concern that their child might grow up without tech savvy. But children get healthy, monitored screen time at school. They will probably get better computer literacy skills with educational programs than what they learn with video games at home.
- Find out what you child likes to do (other than games) and indulge it! I have discovered that kids with device addictions are usually fast mental processors. The games are appealing because they can keep up with the child’s pace. The problem is that when the screen goes away, the world seems to slow down. It’s boring and under-stimulating.To help this, your child needs something to occupy his or her hungry brain. My son has developed all sorts of hobbies that are far outside of my capacity for thinking. He has conquered about 10 different types of Rubik’s cubes. He builds complicated marble runs and elaborate domino towers. At one time he was drawing intricate mazes that filled an entire page, and another time he got on a map-making kick. Once he taped six pieces of paper together and drew a detailed highway map with on and off ramps and figure eight interchanges. If you channel your child’s mind onto something other than video games, you may be surprised at what he or she can do that you never thought possible.
- Restrict, restrict, restrict. If your child must have a device, restrict it as much as possible. It’s easy to google, “How to take YouTube app off smart phone.” These phones have restrictions, don’t be afraid to use them. Your child won’t like it. That’s okay. They don’t like it when we make them eat their vegetables, or make them go to bed on time, or force them to do their homework, but we do it because it’s good for them. We do it because we love them. And one day, they will be thankful we did.
Footnotes:
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/behind-online-behavior/201604/what-screen-time-can-really-do-kids-brains
- https://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/kids-and-technology/is-viewing-the-same-as-doing-what-parents-need-to-know-about-how-screen-time-is-affecting-the-growing-brains-of-their-children/