Our mobile society has made gathering as a family even more important than in the past. It used to be that families lived and died in the same town and saw each other often. But now, with the increase in distance, the prevalence of stepfamilies, and other medical or personal reasons that keep us apart, getting the family altogether is harder than ever.
My family and I know the pain of separation. My husband, Robbie, and I were married after both our first spouses passed away. We are happy to have each other, but we dread holidays.
Holidays seem to magnify our losses. Of course, they are a glaring reminder that our previous spouses are no longer with us. We grieve the lost time with kids and grandkids. We miss the funny things they used to say or do. We miss the food they prepared and even the food they hated. It’s no fun to eat strawberries or pickles without my first husband there for me to torture.
But remembering our spouses isn’t the only sorrow of holidays. With a blended family, there is the complicated issue of gathering kids all in the same place at the same time. Robbie’s kids are grown with their own families, and they live three or more hours away.
But more significantly, they dread the holidays as much as we do. Holidays remind them how much they miss their mom. So, coming to “dad’s house” isn’t the same as coming “home.” They don’t have a place to “come home” because home is where their mom was, and she’s no longer with us.
When our “family” gathers together for the holidays, it’s full of glaring holes.
Family Woes
Our issues aren’t the only ones that keep family members from gathering. Families have all kinds of reasons for not being able to get together. Maybe the family is separated because of distance. A family member may be stationed by the military in another country, or a missionary, and it’s not feasible to travel that far.
Or maybe your separation was caused by a more devastating loss, like death, suicide, or even a prodigal child who has no desire to come home.
That’s when the holidays bring out those terrible dark feelings: fear of failures, questions of motives and worth, the unanswerable why, and the heartbreak of loss.
Whatever the reasons, a missing family member can transform a holiday that once held a place of warmth in your heart into a cold black hole of sorrow.
Everyone puts on their best smiley face and tries to ignore the awkward sadness. But the feeling lingers like haze after a housefire. No one has to admit seeing it, but they all know it’s there.
A Burden
All of this emotional chaos can become a heavy burden, even among the activities and company.
There are some years when you’re able to box up your feelings and deal with them later in order to get through the event cheerfully and without making a scene. But other times, it’s not possible to hold back the Niagara of feelings, and it comes out as withdrawal or even anger.
Robbie was so depressed one year, he sat on the back porch the entire holiday, while everyone mulled around the living room and kitchen. If someone wanted to see him, that was fine. They could come out and talk to him. Otherwise, he sat alone, surfing his phone.
It was the start of his deepest depression since his first wife died. Without his grown kids and only his father-in-law to represent his side of the family, Robbie felt the burden of the withering loss of his first family.
What To Do
But there is a way to make it through the holidays, even when your family can’t gather. Here are four suggestions to help you enjoy the holidays despite the losses you face.
First, let yourself grieve. It’s okay to be sad at the holidays. This is especially true when it’s death, a prodigal child, or a sick relative that creates the space between you. You don’t have to choose between being happy or being sad at the holidays. You can be BOTH happy and sad. Solomon’s wisdom reminds us that there is “a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). They are both appropriate emotions when they are needed.
When you have a reason to be happy, smile and talk about it. When you have a reason to be sad, keep a tissue in your pocket and talk about it. You won’t ruin the holiday for anyone. If anything, your honesty will make it more meaningful. When I’ve talked about my first husband at the holidays, some thanked me for letting them remember. We’re not the only ones who feels the sorrow of the loss. Everyone will be relieved knowing it’s okay to share how they feel.
Second, remember the holidays are not just about family gathering. Holidays are set aside to celebrate what God has done, and you can do that with anyone who is a brother or sister in Christ. You have a family in Christ, and that’s a family you can really celebrate with. Whether it’s offering gratitude on Thanksgiving, or worshiping on Christmas Day, the star of the holidays should be Jesus, not family. Keeping that focus will make the holidays wonderful, no matter who comes to share it with you.
Third, remember that the day of the holiday is just a date on the calendar. If it’s time and space that keep you apart, there is no rule saying you have to celebrate on a particular day of the calendar. Create a new way of celebrating at a time when you can all get together.
I know a family that gathers their whole family together for a Christmas in July. They turn on Christmas music, turn down the air conditioning so everyone can wear sweaters, and make a fire. They put up a tree and make dinner, just like Christmas. That’s the only time they can all get together, so they make it happen!
Fourth, trust God. Sometimes life is hard. Circumstances don’t always turn out the way we want. Jesus told us that himself, “I have said these things to you, that in me your may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation …” And then He finishes with this assurance, “But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).
There are circumstances that we have absolutely no control over. There is nothing we can do except trust God. But God has made us some incredible promises that we can hold onto when life gets us down. God promises that all things work together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). God promises He will restore the years that the locust has eaten (Joel 2:25). God promises He will answer our prayers (1 John 5:14-15).
So trust in those promises. Write them out where you can see them on the holidays. And begin praying them over your life right now. And God will give you the peace that surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:7).
Copyright © 2020 by Sabrina Beasley McDonald